March 26, 2012

Aung San Suu Kyi

I watched the movie 'The Lady' 2 weeks ago, with Emman.

Michelle Yeoh was beyond good. I thought she looks unbelievably like ASSK herself! She managed to portray ASSK's distress, hope and determination convincingly well. It's been a long time I haven't cried at the movies. But, watching 'The Lady', I teared 2 times and cried once. Really, not because it's a moving love story - I'm not easily moved by love stories - but because I felt the will of ASSK to fight for the people of Burma, her courage to pursue human rights and dignity and her upholding of the human spirit. These are strong emotions beyond romantic love, and they touched me greatly. Not only 'touched' me; I was inspired.

So, for about 4 days after watching the movie, I read up (though not in details) on the modern history of Myanmar, followed up some online trails of the 1991 Nobel Peace Prize Winner's fight for democracy and gushed a little on my new political idol with the only Burmese friend I have - Chaw Su. It got to the point that I was so interested and went to check out airfare to Yangon, Myanmar. If I travel in end-September, the airfare is less than 300 (!!!). Very, very tempting.

Budget aside, I doubt I would be able to take so many days of leave (considering I need to set aside for Jt's TW wedding celebration and my Trip-of-the-Year). But... if I do win a tidy sum (Dear God, you know I'm not greedy; winnings in the thousands will be 'tidy' enough for me) at the April Big Sweep Lottery, it will be 'Hello, Myanmar!' haha!

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:33

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Dear God

It has been a long time before yesterday, since I last attended any ceremonies at temples (ceremonies meaning those visits that involve chanting and typically last 1.5-2hours). My religious devotion has, since post-college, been reduced significantly to just the lighting up of joss-sticks and bowing in front of altars. Even those, sometimes, occured under the nagging of my parents, rather than out of my own will.

On the other hand, I have been attending church mass with Emman every week, almost without fail. Nevertheless, my religious devotion is also limited to bowing (and standing up when the congregation around me stands, but I don't kneel when they do).

In fact, it will be more accurate to say that I have shifted from partaking in a religion (i.e. Buddhism) to observing religious procedures (Buddhism, as well as Catholicism).

So, yesterday, I was at this ceremony with my mum and Jas. To begin with, we arrived more than 2 hours early (even though we've already registered through my mum's friend) and when asked what was going to happen and when, my mum and her friend had no clear answers for me. Now, honestly, I am a relatively patient person and usually, waiting around is not likely to get me edgy. However, waiting around on a Sunday afternoon (usual activity = reading/watching TV/napping at home), not knowing what to expect is truly, another story. By the time there were some actions going on and participants were summoned to get ready for the ceremony, I was taking deep breaths to calm myself down from all the existential waiting earlier on. Still, nobody knew what to expect, much less I.

It was actually, a kind of ceremony where we first chanted some kind of confessions for our past wrongdoings (bad karma), then ask/pray for wisdom, and chant more for blessings - all these chanting took almost an hour. Following that, the participants all queued (still chanting) in a line to receive some kind of blessing from the presiding reverend monk (shifu). Then, to conclude, we had to reflect the blessings and the prayers we got to the larger community (i.e. including our loved ones and I guess, humanity at large). Usually, this would be the point when we'd disperse, hungry for dinner. However, yesterday was not the usual. Somehow, the reverend stayed on to teach the participants the proper way to pray and offer chants, and to pass on some teaching.

Sadly, indeed, I felt myself dis-engaged from most parts of the ceremony. For instance, I didn't chant once out loud (in my mind, I was following the chant but I just couldn't bring myself to verbalise it). I didn't see the meaning behind what I was a part of, nor felt connected to any part of it. I was, in fact, just observing and selectively participating. I was an observer-participant.

This is also what I do during mass at church with Emman. Sometimes, I sing the hymn, if it happens to be a pretty catchy and nice one. Otherwise, mass is one of the times you'd find me at my quietest.

I do wonder, from time to time, how do I define my spirituality? It used to be a genuinely simple answer when people asked my religion - 'Buddhism'. Now, the answer I give is still simple, but only because I had no other way of explaining my religion or my lack of one. So, I still answer 'Buddhism' because it is a viable and uncomplicated answer to the enquirer. But, truth is, I know the conviction is not quite there anymore.

So, who is God to me? Strange that I have gotten used to typing'god' with a capital 'G', yet I can't exactly attribute God to any religion or entity. There must be God, because of the capital 'G'. But, if God is not Jesus, not Buddha, then who is? It is, in fact, sometimes, a struggle to know God and who he is, because of my not being religious. It's like standing, surrounded by many doors - doors that are all open and welcoming - but believing that entering into either one would not be the completely right one for me.

So, maybe God is within. Maybe, God is conscience, is love, is compassion, patience, forgiveness, generosity, is the ability for self-reflexivity, humility, is faith. Faith. Faith in something, anything that renders myself small and incomplete, needy of peace and contentment and pushes me towards a kind of wisdom in life. Except, then, I need to dig further into what is wisdom in life.

Let's not digress too far.

I left halfway, before I could be taught all the proper ways to pray and chant. My justification is, I wouldn't be applying those in my life and as far as my unexpected role of observer-participant is concerned, I was more than happy to call it a day and get some dinner.

But since it got me thinking about how I may be spiritually-starved (only in the way how spirituality is commonly linked to a religion), I thought it's worthwhile to note it here.

"Dear God, if you know me and I believe you do, you will know that You and I are in a relationship. Just one that is complicated and not easy for many others to understand. Sometimes, not even for me. =)"

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:32

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March 09, 2012

Inside insights

3 months into employment and two things that strike me:

1. No more trudging around with a heavy bag / trolley bag on mercilessly sunny days and equally mercilessly rainy days.
2. The hours between 9am - 12nn and 4.30pm - 6.30pm pass incredibly fast.

Wait. Make it three things.

3. I hardly take home enough pay to make any substantial savings. A significant amount goes to CPF, for forced savings for the pretty ambiguous future. Damn.

xxx

I went to Bugis Junction with Emman last weekend 'cos we were meeting some of his friends for dinner nearby. The journey to Bugis struck me as 'clastrophobic' - a feeling I hardly get cos I'm mostly, not clastrophobic. Lifts and caves and underground tunnels do not make me anxious.

The train ride last weekend did. It will be more accurate to say that it did not make me anxious; it made my mood swing from 'zen' to 'very irritable'. It was just, too, packed!

The disorganized mess of shoppers (teenagers, aunties, families with kids) crowding while waiting for the train, the senseless squeezing onto the train, the noise inside the train, oblivious groups of young people (I take this to mean teenagers and adults who seem younger than I) standing and discussing where to go in the middle of walkways, also-oblivious individuals plugged into their mp3/iPhone/PSP/tablet world waiting for their gang to form... oh, you name it!

When I finally got to meet Emman who was a little late, I was in a 'I hate homosapiens' mood. The good thing is, it motivates me to stay home and not head down town on weekends. This will, hopefully, translate to more weekend savings.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:05

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